The importance of stamina

Kids can last a long time. Sometimes, a really long time. They hold out in hopes that the adult in charge will give up or forget about a consequence, and then the kid can go about his/her business doing whatever they want. They're really smart like that!

My son is no exception, so for the last two weeks, I gritted my teeth and vowed that he would have time alone in his room before and after supper with little to do (while his sisters get TV time) until he stopped being sent out of his classroom. After 10 days I began to doubt myself: Was I being too hard on the little guy? Was I expecting too much? Was he not neurologically able to make good choices and stay in his classroom? Doubting Mommy had shown up. You know, that little goody-goody that believe children don't really misbehave, parents just screw up. Well, I told her to go away (after a great discussion with a learning specialist who works with me and asked, "When do you want him to behave? Is it just when the weather is good? Just when life is going smoothly? Or, do you actually want him to behave everyday?" She's awesome by the way!). So, I persevered. And guess what? On Day #14, he came home with a huge grin on his face and announced that he did it! He had stayed in his room for the whole day without being sent out once. WOO HOO! I'm not delusional enough to think it's forever, but I'm prepared to hold out again; the results were worth it!

Slowing down

We're on the upswing over here. After ONE ROUGH WEEK (or more rough than usual), darling son is back to his sweet self. Since Wednesday, we've had a daily chart to record the events of the day, the good thing that would happen if it went well (and what well meant) and the bad thing that would happen if it went badly (and what badly meant). It's going well, not perfectly, but well. He's making good choices, which I am pointing out, and that means he's earning more good things.

I think the positive rewards (verbal praise, a book to read...small things) work well. It makes him feel good for doing the right thing. BUT...I think he had to get over the angry-Tasmanian Devil phase first. He got that out in a major tantrum Tuesday evening. I gave it no attention. Then (the next day in this case), after he had demonstrated that he was ready to make good choices, he was ready for positives. I think if I would have tried positive rewards when he wasn't ready, it would not have worked.

However, this time in "nice mode", I am going to work harder noticing the positives while things are going well. We're also going to slow down, focus more on family time rather than our usual hectic pace of life. Simplify, simplify, simplify.

Cardio Kick Boxing

So, dear darling son is really struggling at school. He keeps being disrespectful to the point he has to be removed from his kindergarten classroom. Three times today. Ugh. At home, I've followed up with time out until the behavior improves. Dr. Phil keeps popping in my head. He once (or maybe often) said that we only do what works. Well, I decided today when the behavior went from one behavior flag yesterday to three today, life must be working fine for my son because he is not motivated to change. So, I applied the John Rosemund technique of kicking my boy out of the Garden of Eden. I went into his room and took out all his toys. I left some books. When he came home and saw his room he flew into a rage and started beating the door with, of all things, a book! So I cleared those out too, along with everything else that seemed destructible. I wasn't successful. He destroyed his bedside table and ripped up photos from his bulletin board (these have now been removed). This was not the worst temper tantrum ever. He's done this before. What was different this time, however, was me. I was super calm. I attribute that to the fact that I did my Turbo Jam cardio kickboxing routine before picking up the kids. As I kicked and punched, I felt powerful (the girls called me the Momanator at supper - I like it). I decided that we are not going to be held hostage my son's behavior. I will do everything in my power to make sure it's not manipulative, bratty, obnoxious behavior. And at the same time, we'll work with our behavior specialist and hopefully soon a therapist. We do have choices and he WILL IMPROVE. Or, he may be grounded in his increasingly empty bedroom for a long time. As for me, I'm going to keep doing my kickboxing. I'm going to stay super calm. Momanator to the rescue!

Surviving Holidays

Kids. Halloween. Excitement. Candy. Yep, and over stimulation, overtired, way off schedule. At my house, this is a recipe for disaster. We do really well during the exciting event; then we crash. Anger spews forth; chaos takes over. But...not so this time.
Today was the Monday back to school after Halloween weekend. Not only was it Halloween, but Grandma was in town so there were lots of family dinners, playing with relatives, and a big Sunday afternoon football game. I tempered it all with "rest time" each day - everyone was in his/her respective room napping/resting for an hour each day. Incentives were also planned carefully. My son had already lost his school Halloween party for his poor choices on Thursday afternoon, so I guess he decided I really was serious that he would not go trick-or treating if Saturday wasn't smooth. (I really would have taken it away.)
Today I got an email from my son's teacher...he had a GREAT day. Wow! This was a surprise. Was it the incentive of trick-or-treating? watching a football game with family? the loss of other things last week? Monitoring the candy intake? This is the time when I want my son to have a flip-top head so I can open it up and look inside to see what went right.
What's the plan for the next holiday? Slipping in bits of calm everywhere I can. That and short -term incentives to earn (not more than 1/2 a day away, I've learned). We'll also continue working on building up the skill of choosing to go calm down instead of exploding and having to be removed from a situation. Thanksgiving has less candy - that's gotta help!!

Celebrating the GOOD!

So, this whole week has been pretty rough for my son - choices at home and school have culminated in the loss of a Halloween party at school and another at daycare. Trick-or-treating is now looking a little iffy. Poor kid has to be feeling pretty down about all this, so his mom will list all the great things about him. Messages to the Universe this morning: lift him out of his funk and help him have a great day!

1. His smile - when he's happy and laughing, he has a great, toothless grin.
2. He deeply cares about others - he looks out for his sisters; he worries over caterpillars out in the cold; he helps our old cat on to the counter to get to her food.
3. He is very smart and thinks about things a lot. He mulls things over and I think what happens deeply affects him.
4. He's very athletic - definitely has a future in football.
5. He's a charismatic leader - the kids like him and want to be his friend.

OK! He has tons of strengths. Let them shine through today!

Deep breathing....no sweat

OK, did I just post that we had a great day yesterday? Well, today was back to normal again...defiance, clawing, growling...you know how that goes. But let me tell you...Zen Mommy was alive and well today! My son did not do well with his homework (do kindergartners NEED homework??), so I had him do some extra practice with the word "and" (which he read as "at", "with" and various other words I've blocked from memory). He was not happy. I stayed calm. I got out my own papers to grade, made myself a dish of ice cream and ignored him. Finally, when I guess he imagined that he might be sitting there all night long for real (10 minutes had elapsed!), he did it. What a heavenly moment! I was all cool and serene and not caring on the outside (and kind of on the inside too), and eventually he did it.

Of course, just before bed he informed me that if he ever had to bring that homework folder home again, he was throwing it in the trash. Nice try, buddy!

A great day!

Thank you,powers of the Universe, that every once in a while an awesome day happens. Of course, it is on ly 5:12, but still. We did homework with no battles, crying or frustration! Feels like a little miracle over here!

What makes children vibrate?

Today was buzzing day...literally. My son spent the day with his brain wired in crazy I-must-move-at-all-costs mode. I'm wondering if it could have been the cough syrup. He was home for two days and I didn't want his first day back to be spent coughing, so I gave him a little Triaminic. Was that a mistake? Or would he have been buzzing all day anyway after two days resting at home? Couldn't children come with flip-top heads that we moms could open up and look inside? We'd read the little computer screen inside that would be flashing important messages at us. Stuff like: "Put down the cough syrup."

And if it wasn't the cough syrup... what exactly made him vibrate with energy today? Hmmm...

Focusing on what I want

So, there's that moment when you know your child is better. It's the moment that he goes from cute, snuggle-bug on the couch wrapped in a blanket watching a Disney movie (about a "vampirate" - ha ha) to hearing yourself say, "Slow down! You were sick today, remember?" Then you catch yourself and remind yourself that good health has returned and that is a good thing. Yep.

It's also a good time to remember some parenting tips you learned in a book last summer. I read Becky Bailey's Easy to Love, Difficult to Discipline, a book I initially bought because I thought it was unique to my son. Ha! It's all of us. My favorite part about the book was that Bailey lectured me! "You can't teach skills you don't possess," she says. Gosh darn her! You mean I have to change too?? This was a tough pill to swallow. Still is. But she's so right. If I act like a raving lunatic when I'm angry, chances are my kids will too. If I model calm and in control, they can learn that too. So, today as my now healthy maniac zipped around the house sliding in his socks, I tried to focus on what I wanted, instead of what I didn't want. I want healthy. Check. I want calm. No go. So, I ended play time and requested that he get a book the last 10 minutes before bath time. It worked! Way to go, Becky Bailey! I guess it also helped that I had a nice snooze this afternoon! Maybe that's the real tip: Moms need naps too.

Surviving Sickness with Kids

It has arrived...fever, coughing, stuffed up nose, and my Energizer Bunny is snuggled up on the couch, hood up, blanket up to his chin. As sad as it is to see him sick, my heart secretly rejoices in his stillness, his lopsided smiles, his hugs. We stayed home together today, which was nice. He watched a lot of TV, we made pizza for lunch, and then he napped. I think when kids are sick, it's a nice reminder that they're young, inexperienced and vulnerable. Everyday, kids make the best decisions they know how to make. Often we wonder where the thinking is. But today, I'm remembering that his thinking is only 6 years old mixed with two years of who-knows-what. That's not a whole lot of experience, and some of it had to be reprogrammed. I am reminded today to use stressful times as teaching moments, chances to teach my kids some skills to handle the conflicts of life a little better.

Well, maybe the teaching can wait...I'm off for a box of tissues first!

Checklists

I have a to-do list just about everyday. I love to cross items off as I finish them; it gives me a sense of accomplishment - sometimes when I find I did something that was not on my list, I add it just so I can cross it off. Very satisfying (even if it feels a tiny bit like cheating!).

I've tried lists with my kids - complex star systems with a treat box full of prizes. They're a big hit at the beginning, but tough to manage. They also get kids hooked on doing things just for a prize. In our already materialistic society, this doesn't seem like the best idea. So, when our behavior specialist mentioned a checklist for my son to keep track of normal routine things, I was torn. Yes, I knew the joys of my to-do list, but I had also experienced the sorrow of the star chart. I decided to hear her out.

This list would simply be a checklist - items to do and be checked off independently by my son. It wouldn't be tied to any reward system at all. You just do it, like big people do. So, last night, my son and I created two lists: one for morning routines and one for bedtime. We used words and picture cues and hung them up with his beloved scotch tape. I explained that he's in charge of this list - he does everything with no reminders, he makes the check marks, the whole works. Off he ran, to get his pajamas on. The whole evening went smoothly, which is more than I can say for the past week. The girls followed along and smoothly got ready for bed too.

Checklist: the miracle cure? or Checklists: another short-term solution? The jury is still out. But right now, I'll take one smooth day, and hope for the best!

Putting Kids' Behaviors in Perspective

Wow! Yesterday was full of inspirational tips all around me. Maybe this blog will help me pay attention and notice that all the help I need really is right in front of me.

It started with a conversation with two other teachers as I was leaving my Sunday afternoon get-ready-for-the-week session. They both have family members, adults, living in their homes, and it's really stressful. As I left, I thought, no matter how tough some days are with my kids, they are kids. I have a whole future with them to look forward to, a reason to help my son get his anger under control. He's going to grow up and be somebody someday, so all this hard work now is worth it. This isn't a permanent condition. That easily keeps me motivated.

The second tip came from my sister. In a moment of conflict at her house, my son told my daughter that he hated her. "At least he doesn't know any s-w-e-a-r words," I whispered. "Not yet," she said. Well, this got me thinking/raving in my head (at about 3am). I don't want that language in my house! Blah...blah...blah... Then it occurred to me: plan ahead! Think it through. Imagine him saying the worst word you can think of to your face and imagine yourself (as the Zen Mommy I aspire to be...) handling it calmly. Not breaking a sweat. Clearly demonstrating for darling son that those words have no power whatsoever. I fell right back to sleep with a smile on my face. Now I can't wait for him to try it. Zen Mommy can handle this one!! (I'm sure I'll let you know how it actually goes!)

Daily Discipline Inspiration

As I was vacuuming the stairs today in an attempt to drown out the sound of my son's latest temper tantrum, I thought, what I need is a daily dose of inspiration to stay calm through the toughest days of raising my son (and on occasion his sisters). I need an encouraging voice whispering my ear, saying, "You're doing great! Way to ignore that bad behavior! Stay focused on being calm, and your son will learn to be calm too." Kind of like the Flylady for moms. So, I'm starting this blog. I figure if I have to tell the world about my daily parenting, I'll do a better job. Some days, I'll share tips that I've learned. Other days, I hope I find some readers who can pick me up.

I don't think my parenting life is any more difficult than anyone else's; but some people would say it is. I'm single, 40, and I adopted three kids (now 6, almost 5, and 3 1/2) last January. They were with me for 3 1/2 years before our adoption was finalized. I've been a middle school teacher for 15 years so the whole kid-thing isn't as new as it might sound. I also spent my life from 5th grade through college babysitting and working as a nanny. Even so, three kids full-time has some difficult moments. Added to that are the problems that are pretty normal in the world of foster care: attachment and control issues, lack of prenatal care, and prenatal exposure to alcohol (and who knows what else).

Today is actually going really well...for me. Our behavior specialist wants me to ignore my son's (the six year old) temper tantrums. Leave him in his room until he's calm. So I discovered that vacuuming helps me tremendously. It allowed me to get some needed housework done; the girls (the almost 5 and 3 1/2 year old) to play; and my son the time and space to figure out how to get himself calmed down. Yes, it took over an hour, but you should see how nicely he's playing right now, and how clean my house is!

I think blogging is going to help me stay focused on the positive. I feel better already. Now for the afternoon...